Does anyone else have a family member whose only role in your life seems to be to repeatedly point out in subtle and not so subtle ways that you don’t deserve to exist in that family? I so don’t want to give this person any power over me, but man they have this ability to make me feel like shit in every interaction I have with them and at other times in the way they completely ignore me like I don’t matter…all the while putting on this face that we are some kind of perfect family and there is no issue to even talk about. But yet they have very little emotional intelligence nor ability to have a conversation about it. It really sucks!
I know there are things I am meant to learn from this, although the specific lessons aren’t yet clear to me. I also know that I can heal my pain and improve my ability to not get triggered by them without their involvement or without them recognizing the impact their behaviors have on me. But this is a really hard one for me!!! And the crazy thing is they don’t even know me or anything about the person I am at 42…they seem to only know some memory they have of me from decades ago when I was a kid…but yet can’t even articulate what that memory is for them. The part that is the hardest for me is that they take this memory (that I don’t have) out on me constantly in the present…and have done so for the last 10 or 15 years. I just want to scream at them that I am a decent human being and a nice person and I have strengths and talents and I don’t deserve to be treated in the way they treat me, regardless of whatever my childhood transgressions were…which I would gladly apologize for if they were able to help me understand their experience that they continue to hold onto.
I guess nothing has really changed for me in the last 24 hours other than my perception driven by a stranger sharing news with me that anyone in my family should have had the decency to make me aware of. So if all that has changed is my perception, I have the ability to change that back. I have the ability to change my triggered feelings of not belonging or being wanted or lovable or good enough. I know enough now to know that even though triggered by external events, these feelings live inside of me and only I can do the work to heal them. Even though that work is hard and painful and it would be easier to avoid it with sugar and work and wine and tv and whatever else I have often turned to. But as Maya Angelou often said “When you know better, you do better.” And I now know better, so I must do better.
I have the ability to look for things in my life today that show me the opposite of what I am feeling now is true for me also. And even more important than looking for these things in other people and situations, is being able to find them within myself.
I post this to try to let my pain go so I can move forward with my day and my life and allow this experience to make me better and not bitter. And also on the off chance that it will help at least one other person out there to not feel alone in having similar feelings or experiences. I have come to believe that it is in healing these types of hurts that we can heal our bodies of the dis-ease that ails us, such as Endo for me. Releasing emotions and energy that we would otherwise hold onto is one of the first steps to freeing our bodies up to heal.
Not long ago someone shared this Abraham quote with me, which I will share with you now.
Every cell in your body has a direct relationship with Creative Life Force, and each cell is independently responding. When you feel joy, all the circuits are open and the Life Force or God Force can be fully received. When you feel guilt or blame or fear or anger, the circuits are hindered and the Life Force cannot flow as effectively. Physical experience is about monitoring those circuits and keeping them as open as possible. The cells know what to do. They are summoning the Energy. – Abraham
Here is to each and every one of us searching out more joy in our lives, and letting go of the pain.
#speakingmytruth #lovingmyself #pathtohealing